I still can't say Goodbye Dad

I miss my dad so much. He passed away in April a few years ago. Nothing around the holidays is the same without him. His birthday was on Christmas Day. And of course there's no way you could ever forget that. I feel bad, because he always said he hated having his birthday on Christmas. He never had a birthday, it was always just the holidays. You would've thought knowing that, I would try to do something to make it different for him. But I didn't. Like most people, I thought I had all the time in the world with him. I thought he was invincible, and I thought he would be here forever. I thought we'd always had time to make new memories and reminisce on our old memories. But that is not the case. Of course I know that no one is invincible. I mean of course there's Superman, Batman and Capt. America. But come on now this is real life.

Real loss. 

Real grief. 

And the thought is ever so real that my children one day will never get to know their grandfather. And that really sucks because he would've been one of the best grandfather's in the world. My stepsister has a son named Chance, and my dad loved Chance like there was no tomorrow. My dad called himself Papa and to this day Chance can still remember him, which is awesome! I think those boys had a very special bond because my dad was lucky enough to have all daughters. And I'm sure he always wondered what it was like to have a son. So when his grandson came around, watch out world!! He was so in love.

Now that he's been gone for little while, I feel like some people cannot get over the past. Everybody has a past. And if you don't, your lying. Or hiding it. Regardless. 

Some of my lovely family members are finding it a good idea, I guess, to paint my dad in a bad light. Which is messing with my my memory of him. And I know the truth. I know.

Sadly, my dad was an alcoholic. Alcoholism ate up his life. And the only reason it did that, is because he was really just so unhappy. He also suffered from depression and was bipolar. Now as a child and still as an adult today, I contribute some of those things to the fact that he fought in Vietnam. He had to defend this country in a time where a large part of American citizens did not feel like our country needed defending. There is a big difference between supporting the war, and supporting the troops. Back then if you did not support the war, people simply did not support our troops. Now when our family members should have come home to a welcoming thank you, they instead came home to hatred. People spitting on them, throwing tomatoes at them. I can not, and I do not want to imagine the hell they saw, and the hell they went through. I can't imagine how those Vietnam Vets found strength in themselves to come home and try their best to live as normal of a life as possible. Sadly, lots of those Veterans did not accomplish that. Like my father, for example. 

I could have it all wrong. Maybe he was just born to live a hard, trying life. Maybe God felt it was necessary to place every struggle and burden against him, always testing one of his strongest soldiers. But I feel like he should have had a happy ending somewhere in life. Instead of secretly fighting Lymphoma and somehow managing to die of a heart attack one night with my little sister watching him struggle to live. Watching him struggle that night, and many nights before. Not a happy ending. 
Never getting to meet the three amazing kids my older sister had. Not getting to make right the relationship they both needed and wanted. Not a happy ending. 
I guess the happiest of things to come out of our loss and mourning, that never goes away, was all 3 of his biological daughters finally getting to meet. There's something happy to be found in that. He always called us 'his girls', including my step sister from my step mom's previous marriage. He loved us girls more than anything. And he would die, and he did, getting us all a chance to reconnect and build relationships. Sounds great right?

IT'S SO NOT FAIR.
Life isn't fair. No one said it would be fair. Loss is a part of life. Blah Blah Blah. I still miss the hell out of my Dad and would give anything - ANYTHING for one more phone call. One last Holiday. One last hug. 

So many different thoughts in my head through this grieving process. Because it's a long, never ending process. 

What would have been so wrong about getting 'knocked up' at a young age. That way my child/children could know their grandfather. Their Papa. But my Dad loved that I was responsible and trustworthy. Would he have loved me the same? Maybe I wouldn't have done some of the things I have if he was still here. I wouldn't have ran away to the beach to get married, because I wouldn't have the nightmares of walking down the aisle alone, everyone staring. I tried thinking of different important men in my life that could do the honors. It's just not the same. Maybe I would have taken school more seriously if I had his weekly phone calls with him telling me how proud he is of me. I replay his voicemails sometimes. But it's not the same.

I get in these 'it's not fair funks' and it gets harder and harder to fight my way out of them. I want home here. I want to call and tell him that Josh is graduating next weekend. He would be so happy! He loved Josh. He loved me. He truly loved my mom. That feeling and happiness never goes away. And I think of it often. 

Please forgive me when I can't talk to you about your dad. Or your kids and their love for their grandpa. Excuse me when I stay still and silent when I can't say anything nice, so I don't say anything at all. 

Cry As Much as you Want to

Gosh dang. I am so tired of crying. And I cry for the same reason more often than not. Every month is a slap in the face. I guess I should say every 38-40 days, because I have a super long cycle. It's like walking on egg shells with my own body, waiting to see if Aunt Flo shows. Hoping that after almost 3 years, she's late because I'm pregnant. But nope. Just nope. Now, I don't talk to many people about our infertility struggle for many reasons. Some of those being shame, embarrassment, guilt, it's a personal subject and because I want to catch everyone by surprise when it does happen. It will happen, right? I also like to keep this to myself because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, and I honestly don't want your advice. I've tried lots of things. I've heeded advice and warnings from my general doctor and multiple OB/Gyno's. I have yet to visit a fertility specialist or a reproductive endocrinologist because that scares me. This may be childish but I don't care! We all deal with things differently. But, crying somehow makes me feel better. I just always remember this phrase "Cry as much as you want to, but just make sure when you're finished, you never cry for the same reason again," because I hope one day that I won't continue crying for the same reason.
This was short and sweet, but I was feeling kind of sorry for myself last night. I have slept my pity party away and have toughened up a bit.
On to the next.
Until next time!
Love ya's,
Cassie Cass

PCOS, You Can go F Yourself

You know what's worse than trying to start a family unsuccessfully? Having PCOS and knowing that you may never be able to overcome the obstacles of it's pain and belittlement. Feeling that, yes, "The one thing you should be able to do as a woman, you can't." Waiting every month for signs of Aunt Flo. Getting excited when she's a no show, forgetting that merely half of your cycles, she's a no show.

PCOS

Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome 

So here's the lovely thing about this syndrome that 1 in 10 women suffer from, showing up with symptoms as early as the age of 11 - no one quite understands who, what, when, where or why. So when there are so many unanswered questions, and only lots of speculation, Doctors don't know what to do with you. They don't know how to treat the hormonal imbalance, giving lots of women with PCOS that are not wanting a child at that specific time oral contraceptives. I am not a Doctor, but if a woman is having a hormonal imbalance, how beneficial could it be long term to suppress their issues? What are you going to say to them in 5 years when they are facing infertility and the possibility of never having children because their child bearing bodies are so fucked up from masking such serious issues? Well my friends, they will not tell you anything nice. Most of the Doctors I've seen are so clueless to what my body is doing and why. Or they are quick to pass me onto the next level of specialist. Do you think I'm made of money, my friends? Do you think I have a sugar daddy waiting in angst of my next big medical bill? I hate to break it to you, but I don't, and I don't. 

Hormones. Women and Their Damn Hormones.

Hormones are the answer to everything associated to women. "She's been real hormonal lately."
Get off of our backs! Because it's real! Hormones are very important, and they have multiple reasons for being. Think of hormones as little worker bees. There are tons of little worker bees in your body (hormones) and different swarms of bees have different jobs. As a rule, a woman's body produces a small amount of androgen (male sex hormone). But women with POCS produce more than they are supposed to. So believe it or not, those swarms of little men worker bees are working overtime. That means that all of the hormonal imbalance is due to the overproduction of androgen. Having an overabundance of androgen can show physically. Women with higher levels of androgen have acne issues and excess body hair growth. Now there are other swarms of worker bees (hormones) in your body with other jobs. These jobs encompass other important things like helping you ovulate. So another swarm of bees (hormones) job is to aid in the making of normal, mature eggs in your ovaries.

When you're hormones are working properly, your ovaries will have growing follicles
(eggs) produced for conception. When you have PCOS, your follicles never mature enough
to be released for conception. This goes to prove that you can have your menstrual cycle
and still not ovulate, in turn, not giving you a chance to become pregnant. Infertility.  

Infertility Eats Me Up Every Day

So here I am, learning something new about myself every day. Regardless, I live the same lessons over and over. 

1.) This isn't fair. Life isn't fair. It's not supposed to fair.

No one said life is supposed to be fair. But that doesn't help. I always ask, why me? I point out the fact that the struggles I'm dealing with aren't fair. Someone that has thought about everything thoroughly to raise a child - finding and committing myself to the right man to be a father. Buying a house and providing. Working. And here I get slapped in the face on the daily with news stories of incompetent parents. Mother's locking their kids in rooms, giving them bleach baths and fathers molesting their children. What a fucking disgrace!!! These people make me sick to my stomach. Women who can't figure out the father of their children, or having abortions because what an inconvenience a child would be! Yes, they have a right to do what they want to, it's their body, blah blah blah..... but I have the right to be pissed the fuck off because so many people take creating a life and raising a child for granted! That shit isn't fair.

2.) There are no guarantees and I may never get my happy ending.

Just when I feel like I can get a hold of this invisible illness and overcome it's obstacle course. Just when I feel like this struggle is making me stronger, I realize it's killing me at the same time. That could be the hormones. IDK. But the only thing I can do is hold hope close to my heart. I thought maybe if I tackled something this big alone, I could conquer it. I can make PCOS my bitch and show Doctors what's up! This is how it's done! And then 10 minutes later I'm crying for no reason. Not really no reason, but you know what I mean. There are absolutely no guarantees.
"I am half Agony, and half hope." Jane Austen

3.) Only I can make decisions on how far I'm willing to go.

My cousin asked me once how far was I willing to go? How far was my husband willing to go? I had no answer. I thought 'Surely, it won't have to go very far.' But all that has done in turn is hold me back. I needed a game plan. A serious A-B-C game plan with what I was willing to do. And by putting it off I feel as though I've wasted precious time. Did you know that when a female is born, she is born with her entire reserve of eggs? Biological clock right. It diminishes over time, and as you get older the harder it is for your sensitive eggs to be fertilized, in a sense. We can't catch a break ladies! Anywho, I suggest to everyone, with or without fertility issues to determine how far they are willing to go. Even though I hope for you all, it never goes that far. 

4.) Infertility is a loss. It's a loss of hope and fulfillment. 

Every month I am reminded of the loss I feel. The once chance I had slipped away of becoming pregnant. Or even worse, thanks to PCOS and my abnormal cycles, I will have early pregnancy symptoms, which in a very rude and cynical way, are similar to those of our lovely Aunt Flo. So I get all excited and then BOOM, train derailed. No baby, and no Aunt Flo. My body is more f'd up than i thought. Or that I let myself believe.

I feel really bad relating infertility to a loss, because of the people I know that have suffered through miscarriages. That's a true loss. And I couldn't imagine a loss like that, because I can barely handle the loss of infertility month after month. Year after year. Infertility is my loss, and it will be grieved.

5.) I Don't Want to Make People Feel Bad 

I read this blog recently about a woman who had no idea that her happy ending made others feel so bad. She was living her life the way she wanted, and everything panned out beautifully for her. Congrats! That's awesome and that's how it should be. But it's not her fault that some of us suffer from infertility. We should never make someone feel bad for that. But I can say, from experience, maybe don't push your happy endings down our throats. Especially if we're just acquaintances. It's hard. And I am happy for my friends and family that get through this stuff easier than I can. I have very good days, and I have very bad days. Just like everyone else. Mine just may be a little more extreme sometimes ( I blame it on the hormones!). But regardless, I don't want a pity party, and I don't want my invite to your baby shower 'lost in the mail.' I love seeing pictures of your kids and hearing the funny stories! But, because I experience this loss of infertility, don't take it personal if it takes me a few days to reply to the cuteness of your children, or I don't feel good on the day of your baby shower. Because sometimes it's just hard. I'm doing the very best I can with what I have, but I need to you treat me like a normal person. Don't tip toe around conversations, and if you're my best friend, I don't want to be the last to know. That shit hurts. 

----- Cassie Cass -----