PCOS, You Can go F Yourself

You know what's worse than trying to start a family unsuccessfully? Having PCOS and knowing that you may never be able to overcome the obstacles of it's pain and belittlement. Feeling that, yes, "The one thing you should be able to do as a woman, you can't." Waiting every month for signs of Aunt Flo. Getting excited when she's a no show, forgetting that merely half of your cycles, she's a no show.

PCOS

Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome 

So here's the lovely thing about this syndrome that 1 in 10 women suffer from, showing up with symptoms as early as the age of 11 - no one quite understands who, what, when, where or why. So when there are so many unanswered questions, and only lots of speculation, Doctors don't know what to do with you. They don't know how to treat the hormonal imbalance, giving lots of women with PCOS that are not wanting a child at that specific time oral contraceptives. I am not a Doctor, but if a woman is having a hormonal imbalance, how beneficial could it be long term to suppress their issues? What are you going to say to them in 5 years when they are facing infertility and the possibility of never having children because their child bearing bodies are so fucked up from masking such serious issues? Well my friends, they will not tell you anything nice. Most of the Doctors I've seen are so clueless to what my body is doing and why. Or they are quick to pass me onto the next level of specialist. Do you think I'm made of money, my friends? Do you think I have a sugar daddy waiting in angst of my next big medical bill? I hate to break it to you, but I don't, and I don't. 

Hormones. Women and Their Damn Hormones.

Hormones are the answer to everything associated to women. "She's been real hormonal lately."
Get off of our backs! Because it's real! Hormones are very important, and they have multiple reasons for being. Think of hormones as little worker bees. There are tons of little worker bees in your body (hormones) and different swarms of bees have different jobs. As a rule, a woman's body produces a small amount of androgen (male sex hormone). But women with POCS produce more than they are supposed to. So believe it or not, those swarms of little men worker bees are working overtime. That means that all of the hormonal imbalance is due to the overproduction of androgen. Having an overabundance of androgen can show physically. Women with higher levels of androgen have acne issues and excess body hair growth. Now there are other swarms of worker bees (hormones) in your body with other jobs. These jobs encompass other important things like helping you ovulate. So another swarm of bees (hormones) job is to aid in the making of normal, mature eggs in your ovaries.

When you're hormones are working properly, your ovaries will have growing follicles
(eggs) produced for conception. When you have PCOS, your follicles never mature enough
to be released for conception. This goes to prove that you can have your menstrual cycle
and still not ovulate, in turn, not giving you a chance to become pregnant. Infertility.  

Infertility Eats Me Up Every Day

So here I am, learning something new about myself every day. Regardless, I live the same lessons over and over. 

1.) This isn't fair. Life isn't fair. It's not supposed to fair.

No one said life is supposed to be fair. But that doesn't help. I always ask, why me? I point out the fact that the struggles I'm dealing with aren't fair. Someone that has thought about everything thoroughly to raise a child - finding and committing myself to the right man to be a father. Buying a house and providing. Working. And here I get slapped in the face on the daily with news stories of incompetent parents. Mother's locking their kids in rooms, giving them bleach baths and fathers molesting their children. What a fucking disgrace!!! These people make me sick to my stomach. Women who can't figure out the father of their children, or having abortions because what an inconvenience a child would be! Yes, they have a right to do what they want to, it's their body, blah blah blah..... but I have the right to be pissed the fuck off because so many people take creating a life and raising a child for granted! That shit isn't fair.

2.) There are no guarantees and I may never get my happy ending.

Just when I feel like I can get a hold of this invisible illness and overcome it's obstacle course. Just when I feel like this struggle is making me stronger, I realize it's killing me at the same time. That could be the hormones. IDK. But the only thing I can do is hold hope close to my heart. I thought maybe if I tackled something this big alone, I could conquer it. I can make PCOS my bitch and show Doctors what's up! This is how it's done! And then 10 minutes later I'm crying for no reason. Not really no reason, but you know what I mean. There are absolutely no guarantees.
"I am half Agony, and half hope." Jane Austen

3.) Only I can make decisions on how far I'm willing to go.

My cousin asked me once how far was I willing to go? How far was my husband willing to go? I had no answer. I thought 'Surely, it won't have to go very far.' But all that has done in turn is hold me back. I needed a game plan. A serious A-B-C game plan with what I was willing to do. And by putting it off I feel as though I've wasted precious time. Did you know that when a female is born, she is born with her entire reserve of eggs? Biological clock right. It diminishes over time, and as you get older the harder it is for your sensitive eggs to be fertilized, in a sense. We can't catch a break ladies! Anywho, I suggest to everyone, with or without fertility issues to determine how far they are willing to go. Even though I hope for you all, it never goes that far. 

4.) Infertility is a loss. It's a loss of hope and fulfillment. 

Every month I am reminded of the loss I feel. The once chance I had slipped away of becoming pregnant. Or even worse, thanks to PCOS and my abnormal cycles, I will have early pregnancy symptoms, which in a very rude and cynical way, are similar to those of our lovely Aunt Flo. So I get all excited and then BOOM, train derailed. No baby, and no Aunt Flo. My body is more f'd up than i thought. Or that I let myself believe.

I feel really bad relating infertility to a loss, because of the people I know that have suffered through miscarriages. That's a true loss. And I couldn't imagine a loss like that, because I can barely handle the loss of infertility month after month. Year after year. Infertility is my loss, and it will be grieved.

5.) I Don't Want to Make People Feel Bad 

I read this blog recently about a woman who had no idea that her happy ending made others feel so bad. She was living her life the way she wanted, and everything panned out beautifully for her. Congrats! That's awesome and that's how it should be. But it's not her fault that some of us suffer from infertility. We should never make someone feel bad for that. But I can say, from experience, maybe don't push your happy endings down our throats. Especially if we're just acquaintances. It's hard. And I am happy for my friends and family that get through this stuff easier than I can. I have very good days, and I have very bad days. Just like everyone else. Mine just may be a little more extreme sometimes ( I blame it on the hormones!). But regardless, I don't want a pity party, and I don't want my invite to your baby shower 'lost in the mail.' I love seeing pictures of your kids and hearing the funny stories! But, because I experience this loss of infertility, don't take it personal if it takes me a few days to reply to the cuteness of your children, or I don't feel good on the day of your baby shower. Because sometimes it's just hard. I'm doing the very best I can with what I have, but I need to you treat me like a normal person. Don't tip toe around conversations, and if you're my best friend, I don't want to be the last to know. That shit hurts. 

----- Cassie Cass -----